SCATTERED

I’ve been focusing on the new apartment so much lately, I have basically let me social life completely slide. That, and I just have lost all energy for dating. The back and forth between perfectionism and absolute annihilating self-hatred is brutal. Seriously. Especially for a total over thinker such as myself.

Case in point. Mr. Baseball. I STILL have not ended it with him. I can’t seem to cut the ties. I keep convincing myself that it MUST be me. Even though I am pretty sure it is him. But while true that he is a poor communicator, a bit doofus-sy, and slightly boring, he is super sweet, and cute, and seems trustworthy and sincere. These are great qualities, important qualities in a mate. But also more than likely common qualities, that I could probably find in someone more exciting (!) Why do I do this to myself, and most of all why do I keep making excuses for HIM. I am hell bent on believing that I am the issue. But maybe I truly am. I feel like I should at least see him in a more social situation, among other people before I judge what type of person he is. I also feel like I should see him in a more private setting, more conducive to heart to heart conversations. I still can’t believe he is taking this sh*t from me though. I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks, and pushed him off till next week while I focus on the apartment… yet he still “can’t wait to see {me}”. (Note the ping pong thinking (!))

Meanwhile, I realized this weekend, I have a crush… as evidenced by the outrageous jealousy I had when after spending the first half of the night flirting with me at the local watering hole, my softball teammate proceeded to make out with some 40yr OLD blonde, (note the cattiness). I am not normally a mean or jealous person, but after a few drinks, I tell ya, that ol' green monster reared its ugly head. And it was not pretty. Kind of shocked me too, and now I am not really sure what to do about it. Do I confess, or just let it play out? Tempted to do the opposite of what I think I should do, because clearly nothing I’ve done in the past is working for me. So. Sick. Of. Being. Single.

On a happier note… two of my besties came by this weekend and helped me paint my apartment… here is a sneak peak of the feature wall. Oh don’t act surprised, you knew I’d do something dramatic.

GET OUT THE CHALK

In other news… the ‘other guy’ has simply disappeared out of my life. Thank God. No awkward talks, no weird, “I’m just not that into you”.. or confessions that when I kiss you I feel NOTHING. We were supposed to go out last week, but I never reached out, and neither did he. Phew! So glad. BUT… seriously- he rejected me ? ??

Mr. Baseball and I went out again too, and it was really fun. Just drinks and a movie, but it was nice, and he was sweet, and the conversation was actually interesting. So yesterday we went bowling and I was honestly excited to see him. And …. It was a bore. And we were bowling! WTF is wrong with me??? Every time I look forward to seeing him, I have a terrible time. When I dread the date, we have fun. I don’t know why I want to keep giving him another shot. (?) I can’t figure out if I don’t like him because I am a judgmental b*tch or if he is just too goofy for me and he really is the problem. Ugh. This time, I really think I do need to end it. L He dropped more than a few “babies” and “honies” and rather than find them endearing, I cringed. Probably not a good sign, eh?

Back to the drawing board…

DESIGN ON A DIME

I’ve been working on projects for the new pad and could not be more excited about the opportinuty to DECORATE!

I don’t know if it’s the thrill of the deal, the adventure of seeing the potential in a product and then watching it come to life, or if I am just plain ol’ too cheap; but I do not spend $$ on furniture. There are so many treasures out there that just need a little TLC.

Like this beauty. I wish I had a before photo, it was a lighter color with a horrible maroon striped seat. BUT it was $5 @Goodwill. I stained it to match my desk, and added a new seat cover and voi’la! A chair that matches my other cane chairs. Its not perfect, but for $5 and the fact that it matches my previous finds... i love it.

And I found this cheap drum table, also at Goodwill, which was exactly what I had in mind for use with my other cane chairs. However, it is proving to be a bigger challenge than I had thought, but hopefully will be worth it in the end. I was thinking of painting it darker brown, with a burst of color in the interior of the drawer… but now considering white.

What do you think?

And last but not least- this is what I am thinking for the main wall.. a little dramatic, but I think the new place may just need a little drama, like that created by a bold chevron stripe.

HAPPY SINGLES AWARENESS DAY

What a weekend. Note to self- leave at least one weekend day for productivity- not dating. Oi.

Went out with the ‘other guy’ on Saturday for lunch, and for our non-alcoholic date which turned into us sitting in a pub for hours- drinking beer. Okay, maybe not lots of hours, but at least 2. It was a decent date, but I was disappointed in his lack of creativity. I am not sure what it Is about date # 3 too- it was another bit of a dud. Boo. The conversation was good, and deep again, but getting a little repetitive. He walked me to my bus afterwards in the rain, and then basically attacked me at the bus stop. Would have been fine if I found his kisses enjoyable, but to be honest- I feel nothing. Not bad, not good. And I really tried too. We’re going out this week for a bowling date- yes, I am lacking in originality, but I know bowling is always going to be a fun date. And this guy and I need to have some fun together.

Yesterday I went out with Mr. Baseball. It was nice to see him in the afternoon, and have a casual date. We had lunch, went for a nice leisurely walk in the sun, (Yes, it was sunny here yesterday!) and then ended up having a tour de competition- first ping pong, in which he slaughtered me, then some pool, and finally a rematch of BuckHunter. It was actually a great date, but I think I am going to have to end it. In the middle of lunch he said he wanted to take me away for a weekend. I literally choked on the bite I was taking as he said it. I later thanked him for the invite and explained that I am dating other people and don’t really feel ready to take it to the ‘weekend getaway’ level with anybody just yet. He understood, and was very sweet about it, but I still know he is going to be bummed when I put the kibosh on US. He is so sweet, and cute, and there is chemistry, but he is a bore, and kind of drives me nuts in general. I just don’t see a future, and need to end it before it goes any further. Bummer.

I also found out this weekend that my Mr. Big Equivalent, is moving back home to be a baby daddy. Apparently he knocked up an old friend while he was back East visiting the fam for Christmas. I am shocked, but also excited for him. And as my dear friend pointed out, maybe it’s a good thing that all my exes are moving away, and making it that much easier for me to move on. She is totally right, especially since I had been thinking about giving him a call Saturday night to help me get over my bad date blues… So glad I didn’t!!

But she is right- feels good to clear out the old, and bring on the new. Just going to keep trying, and continue to kiss as many frogs as it takes. xo

GROWING ON UP

So I went out with Mr. Baseball again. And I was definitely still excited to see him, even after my good first date with the ”Other Guy”. We had dinner at a beautiful restaurant down by the marina, great food, decent wine, and it was a total bore! Boo. I found myself struggling to find questions to ask, completely bored by his responses, and somewhat annoyed that nothing was ever reciprocated. There were more than a few silences, which to me felt awkward- but he seemed to not even notice. I basically cut the date short, and went home feeling kinda bummed… and confused, and reminded; the 3rd date can say so much!

Then I went out with the ‘Other Guy’ for date #2, and once again the conversation was awesome! Multi dimensional, passionate, deep and meaningful. So refreshing compared to Mr. Baseball. But of course the attraction is slightly lower. But to be honest, I’m okay with that, because I still seem to enjoy his company, and I am trying to grow in this department, and I am feeling really good about it. I am truly excited to get to know him further, and looking forward to spending more time with him. Our date #3 is scheduled for tomorrow. A daytime date, with no drinking involved. I am excited, and curious to see just how adventurous this guy really is. And to see if date #3 is the tell tale sign.

But… I had date #4 with Mr. Baseball last night, and it was fun, but I still just don’t think I am ‘feeling IT”. The problem is, I am definitely feeling the kisses. Every time he kisses me I get dizzy and forget that I still haven’t told him that I am seeing other people and I’d like to take things slow. I tried liquid courage, but that didn’t work! I suck. And now I am all nervous for our date on Sunday. I have no idea on how to broach the subject. I hate uncomfortable situations. I guess that is why we date though- to grow, right? Or as my friend said, "to learn compassion from being on both sides of the table".

Damn you compassion. Damn you self growth!

Moving on, and moving OUT! This gal has a pad again!

I just signed a lease beginning next month for a nice little abode in my old hood. I am actually really excited- but a little bit sad too. I will desperately miss opening the door in the evenings to the sound of two cheerful little yells “Auntie!”, followed by a long list of toys, games and/or things I must do or play. I have fallen so in love with my darling little nieces, and it has been such a pleasure to be a part of their every day. I truly feel simply so blessed to have been able to spend this time with them and bond the special relationship we have had since their birth. Now- I do not recommend everyone go out and lose their job/boyfriend and move back in with their sweet big sis, but for anyone who finds themselves on hard times and has the option, I just have to say- do it. It is priceless.

I will also miss my big sis. Our relationship is just easy. I love her. And while we have no doubt had our differences, we have always overcome them with ease. She and I are like twins in some regards. We work so efficiently side by side, always knowing what the other one is going to do before they even move. We completely ‘get’ where the other one is coming from, even though we are never quite coming from the same place. She is my sister, my role model, my friend, and best of all, she is the one I know in any given moment will have my back, and trust me you don’t want to mess with her. And she’s fun too! I’ve loved being a part of her family these past few months, and I am going to miss that warmth and love.

And then there is my sweet, patient brother-in-law who has put up with me leaving my dishes/shoes/sweaters around, and plenty of other annoying habits I am sure. I also cherish the ease of our relationship, and the fun we have together. Hikes, walking the dog, playing Yahtzee at the local brew pub.. He honestly feels like my brother. And I know that will always be true.

I’ll miss the dog too! And that cute little puppy eyed look he gives when he wants to snuggle.

But now I get to move on to other things- like DECORATING! And setting up my new place so that I can host the nieces for slumber parties, and their parents for football gamesJ And all of my lovely girlfriends for Girls Night!

Feels like this year is already off to an amazing start- and this is just the beginning of it!

WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE…

Had drinks last night with another nice gentleman. I was really expecting it to be a FLOP, a’l la Skinny Liar Guy, but it actually was surprisingly good. He was cute, looked just like his pictures, and the conversation flowed extremely well. Something about him put me at ease pretty early on and we talked life, love, travel, family, even politics! And he clearly has a lot to offer a lady. And by the end of the date, it was clear that he was totally into me. He kissed me at the table! Yikes. But while that was slightly uncomfortable, it was at the same time kinda nice. Affection and the balls to just go for it, are both very important qualities to me so I can’t fault the guy on that one.

BUT.. guess what industry this guy is in.. Yup, same one the other guys are in! Is there no single man left in this city who does something else?? And as we were talking about our experiences with this thing called Match, he mentioned that his roommate is also looking for love in cyberspace. And as he went on to describe his roomie, I realized he was the exact same gentleman I emailed last week, and then an hour later saw at a restaurant downtown! Are you kidding me!?! Is this city really that small? Awesome.

Ready? Aim. Fire!

Had date #2 last night with TallGuy a.k.a. Mr. Baseball. He had originally invited me to dinner at pretty much the MOST ROMANTIC restaurant in this lovely city. I was stoked, and at the same time a little nervous- this guy is definitely a heavy hitter, and this girl is not used to that! But as my luck would have it, this particular establishment is not open on Sundays. Bummer/ Phew. We opted for a nice, lower key French place in my favorite neighborhood instead. And I still went out and bought a new dress for the occasion;)And wore my “lucky coin” necklace that my nephew bought me at the dollar store. Lucky it was.

Again good date. We ended the date down the street at a little sports bar with a friendly game of Buckhunter. Mr. Basketball can handle a gun, and pretty much kicked my a*%, which to this particular girl is a very good thingJ. Remember my friend who had the equipment, but not the skills?? After our little competition he asked if he could take me out again. (smirk). I like it. But… I am really trying to do this whole dating thing, so now I have to somehow figure out how to manage the pace of this relationship… which has never been my strong suit. Any suggestions?? I tried to keep the first kiss to a respectable length… but I have to admit, when he pulled the whole hand-through-the-hair grasp, my knees buckled. This could be trouble.

I have a first date tonight with another gentleman, so I am not totally failing at this dating thing, yet.

FIRST PITCH IS GOOD!

Ha! How fitting that my last post was about Baseball- a sport I don’t really even watch, let alone play!

So an hour after my last post I received a text from Mr. Tall- “Drinks tonight?”. Sorry, but I need 24 hours notice, especially for a first date, so I politely declined and suggested the following evening. So last night we met up for drinks. And guess what? Mr. Tall happens to be an ex-Minor League Baseball player (!) And a pretty cute one too! Looks like he is just the guy to ‘help me with my swing’…! Love it!

So date #1 went well. Nice guy, we had a lot in common, and had a really nice flow to our conversation with maybe only a few slight pauses, which I think is to be expected on numero uno. I noticed I was a little nervous, and kind of fidgety, but loosened up by the second drink thankfully- and think I came across confident and fun, which is important. And in retrospect, I am extremely glad I wore a skirt and heels since the conversation consisted of a lot of sports talk and my love for the outdoors! But apparently it all worked out.. just got another text from him… “dinner tomorrow?”

So of course there is a kicker… there always is with me. He happens to be in the same industry as the last 2 men I’ve dated! I swear I don’t have a “type” but it’s starting to get worrisome. And I am positive if I asked, he’d know exactly who the last 2 were. Ugh. And the ultimate kicker.. He looks just like my Ex, but with HAIR!! Classic.

All in all though, it was a good date. I’d say I definitely got on base . So I’m feeling like it’s a good start.

HERE BATTER - BATTER

I always think Match is going to be a good idea.. It makes sense that eligible bachelor/bachelorettes with busy work/ life schedules who are tired of the bar scene and all the games that come with it, would find another way to search for love. It’s easy, convenient, and kind of fun to ‘play the field’. But then I sign up, and remember this is a game that I completely suck at.

I feel like I’ve signed up for softball again, and I am once again the catcher. Juggling pitches, trying to recall who’s on first what’s on second, all while balls are flying at my face at irrational speeds. It’s time consuming, exhausting, and after you’ve spent hours sifting through and selected those few gentleman who seem worth the time, they disappear? Like Mr. Tall who I was supposed to go out with this week, but after one text, stopped responding? Dude- you texted me, how was my “yes a drink sounds lovely” text off putting?? And this brings me to what I really hate about it. The psyche out game you end up playing with yourself.

It’s that same vicious mental conversation you hear in your head as you approach the bag to hit “Ok, you can do this, keep your eyes on the ball, elbows up, follow through.. no pressure”. You know what you are supposed to do- send an email, be witty, intriguing, but keep it simple, blah blah.. but trust me- all of that thinking can become overwhelming! I also know it takes practice, and that the more balls I try to hit the higher my numbers are going to be. Perhaps Match is just my Batting Cage of Love (yes I just used that analogy) but all I want is a few of those strong connections, where you just feel it in the bat, and watch the ball go soaring.

So far, no such luck. Feeling kinda like the girl at the end of the cages, swinging at the air… WHIFF!

But, damn it, I'm going to keep on trying, and do my best to still look good, whiffing the ball or not.

DRAMA QUEEN

I have no idea when it happened… or how long I’ve been affected. But its time I face the truth- I am a DRAMA QUEEN. Not drama drah-muh: defined as: childish self esteem games often caused by a cluster of women, I avoid that drama at all costs. I am talking good ol’ fashioned THEATRICAL DRAMA that happens when you’ve become perhaps slightly a bit self centered, and float just a little above reality.

I mean I have always slightly known.. I secretly cause and relish in drama,( I wouldn’t be writing a blog if I didn’t). It’s fun, its chaotic, it breaks up the mundane of daily drudgery… what’s not to like?? But then last week happened, and I was so caught up in my drama I may have gone a little overboard in my production of The One Man Show that is my Red Letter Life.

The Big Guy called to tell me he’d run into an old friend of mine, which was nice, and funny, and reminded me of how much I miss his voice. Since I am still currently living in Lonely Town though it affected me more than I would have liked. When he mentioned he may be thinking about a move to the other Coast, I actually got emotional . When I found out a few days later that his move was happening in 2 days(!)- I about lost it. I don’t know what came over me, but all of a sudden him moving across the country became all consuming and devastating. It was like the break up had happened all over again. I spun into a panic, HAD to see him before he left, and then sent him on his way with a book and love letter that made it sound like he was marching off to WAR! It was insanity. I bawled myself to sleep. Not wept, bawled. I was wiping tears away in meetings, on the bus, all day for two days.

Then 2 days later, as quickly as it had enveloped me, my little drama cloud disappeared. What was I thinking! Poor guy, had to deal with my drama whirlwind, when he was the one going through the big transition. He was the one moving to a whole new city, to live with his crazy sister and help out with his nephew. And what is really pathetic is: He’s only planning on being gone for 6 month! It’s really just a long vacation.

So now that the embarrassment of my production has dissipated, and I’ve sat with this news, I think I am thrilled. I kind of feel free. I can go out with our friends and not run the risk of running into him. I can date (!) and not worry that word will get back to him. I can go to our favorite neighborhood and not spend the entire time looking over my shoulder! And did I mention I can date??

Now I just have to sit with my new Drama Queen moniker, and learn to accept it, wrangle it, and perhaps only display it when the situation truly warrants it. In the meantime I am sure I can find some other exciting ways to make my life a little less dull. Stay tuned.

Drama is like life with the dull bits cut out. ~ Alfred Hitchcock

HAPPY 2011 B*TCHES!!

So dear friends and random strangers who may have happened upon my pathetic little blog- Happy New Year, Red Letter Days is back! I’m back! Not necessarily with a vengeance, but back none the less.

The topic of my little bra incident came up in the office today. The bossman is visiting J . In reading through some of my posts I realized that it is actually nice to have these recordings of the mishaps, the craziness, the mundane and all of my random adventures from 2010. Also, as I still work through the pangs of the breakup with the Big Guy, it’s nice to see where I’ve come from, and where I’m going. And I’m excited about what this year has in store for me.

So here is to a new year, a new look, and new beginnings in 2011! Bring it!