CHANGING ROOM

Those of you who know me are quite aware that I am a nut. Those of you who don’t know me may not be so aware of this fact, but it is true. My girlfriend Ali says that I am a “fruitloop” and it is exactly this reason why people love me. Call it what you will, but me and awkward, random situations go together like peanut butter and marshmellow fluff. (I don’t like jelly).. go with me.

So in another classic moment, I recently made an ass out of myself at work…

It all started innocently enough. I was sitting at my desk when my boss who was in from out of town came down to our cubicle corner during a break from his meetings. My coworker immediately asked him if he had “solved the big mystery?”, to which I of course asked, “What mystery?”. In some regards I am glad that I did, in others- I really wish I hadn’t.

They both instantly look at me with surprise, “you don’t know?!” and my bossman chuckles.. “Oh my God, you have to see this.”
He proceeds to his office, and like the good little work drone I am, I follow right behind. Before I even have one foot in the door, he walks out, flings his arm up, and there dangling in my face is a very pretty black and white and hot pink …. BRA.

It just so happens that it is MY Black and white and hot pink bra. Without delay, I snatch the bra out of his hands and run back to my desk and shove it in my backpack. All I could think was “I like that bra!”. The look of shock on his face was priceless, as was the look on mine, I’m sure. “Wait, its yours? What the heck was it doing on my desk?” he asks as I slink into my chair, covering my face.

Right on cue my other boss walks out of his office and says, “So, you’ve solved it? It’s HERS?”…

Apparently there has been an ongoing debate for the last 3 DAYS about said bra. Why is it in the bossman’s office? Who put it there? What does it all mean? Poor bossman thought maybe it was someone telling him he was getting fat and need a bro.

Nope- it was just that I was too lazy to walk to the women’s restroom to change my clothes for the night, so I decided to change in my bosses office.

I am currently a MORTIFIED fruitloop.

LOVE STINKS…YEAH YEAH…

So things with the Bartender didn’t work out in the long run- which I knew they wouldn’t but the end to anything is still disappointing. In the end we had fun together, but while our relationship wasn’t serious- when you spend that much time with someone, things become serious. It’s hard to meld your life with someone else’s and yet keep it causal. It is definitely for the best, and we ended things amicably …for the most part.

But I do have to say I am still a little miffed about how it finished. I thought at the age of 35 men had grown into their balls- knew how to just step up a bit, face the harsh reality of life and move on. Though, now in retrospect I realize this was a foolish notion. You’d think dating two 38 yr old cowards, er, men, would have taught me something… like; men never grow up.

The Bartender clearly has not grown up. He pulled the infamous- ‘maybe I’ll just ignore her for a bit and see what happens.’ They know this is an asshole move, and yet I think about 85% of men pull this crap. They are actually okay with being perceived as an asshole rather than stepping up to the plate and saying, like an adult- “I’m just not that into you”. Females clearly are the stronger sex. The best part is, they pull this crap, and as in my case, we -brave woman that we are, call them out on it- which inevitably leads to the end.

As I unceremoniously gathered my few belongings and made my way out of his horrible apartment, he had the nerve to apologize to me for making me be the one to raise the issue. When I got to the door, I turned, kissed him goodbye and with a slight smirk said, “That’s okay. I’VE got balls.”

When I got in the car, I felt triumphant, and yet defeated. Damn, ...

Love stinks.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED... SKYDIVING MAY NOT BE FOR YOU

I did it! I FINALLY did it. Plummeted toward the earth at a whopping 120 miles per hour, and then gently floated down under a billowing parachute for the last 1000 feet or so. I have to say it was the most exhilerating 30 seconds of my life...

When my boss suggested we go skyding as an unofficial team building event, I immediately responded I was in. I've had numerous people suggest it over the years, and have mentioned my desire to do it quite a few times, but it never actually happened, so I didn't really believe it would this time either. But then, other co-workers started responding with an excited "yes", and the next thing I knew our jump was scheduled.

In all, only 5 of us could make it, but it was a perfect 5 to do so. We had all sorts of personalities, dipostions, ages, it was a random group with a great dynamic. We drove up to the field together and upon arrival started filling out our paperwork. At this point, my excitement for jumping out of a perfectly good airplane started to wane as I read about the 19 ways in which I could possibly die, and that it wasn't the skydiving companies fault. Because afterall, my parachute was packed by a human, and as we all know humans make mistakes. Oh and p.s. "we don't have insurance." After the first few pages, I just stopped reading all together...blind faith.

After a quick 10 min video about the 3 rules of skydiving, a demonstration on arching, and all of a sudden they were reading off the names of the first group. Of course, we were the selected guinea pigs. We met our tandem buddies out near the field and they suited us up in some rather attractive jump suits, complete with leatherhead-esque helmets.

The next few minutes were filled with the whirl of the plane engine, some nervous laughter, last minute instructions and one final prayer. Though my prayer was cut short when the beat from AC/DC's "She's Got Balls" over took my mind. Duh duh duhn nah...duh duh duh duhn nah...

We opened the plane door, and I watched as my boss slid over to the doorway, nervously. He grabbed on to both sides of the exit to steady himself and then apparently had second thoughts. Next thing we all saw was his tandem instructor prying his fingers off, one by one, and away they both went.

I was next. I slid over to the door, wrapped my feet under the belly of the plane, took one second to flash the i love you sign to my dear friend, and according to the rest of the group, proceeded to scream at the highest pitched level they had ever heard.

Falling from 10,000 feet is nothing like you think it will be. The initial roll out of the plane is simply terrifying. There is that second when all of a sudden you realize you have just jumped out of a plane, for no reason other than you think it may be fun.... But then it just becomes exhilerating. There is no loss of gravity, you don't feel your stomach in your throat, you just kind of float with the wind racing by your face and filling your ears with a gentle roar.

We spun around a bit, taking in all 360degrees of the beauty that is the Northwest. I could see 3 cities, 2 mountain ranges, multiple bodies of water, and 3 large mountains. It was breathtaking. Literally. I had to remember to smile and breathe through my teeth so I could enjoy what I was taking in.

Upon safely landing, all I could do was grin from ear to ear, and wonder when I could go up again. I will never forget that feeling- and am so happy I once again proved, I've got balls. God I love my life.